Accepting What is Decreed for Us...
Last year at age 41, I had two surgeries. If that wasn't a wake up call, then the doctor removing over 15 pre-cancerous tumors from my esophagus definitely was. Hearing my doctor explain how shocked he was to find them when there were none there just 7 months prior really shook me up. How did this happen? It isn't from eating unhealthy. I was raised by two very health conscious parents which made me very health conscious. I was forced to take time to do some heavy reflection and backtracking. When did my health take this sharp left turn? I found that my health issues are directly correlated to stress and anxiety from stressful events or issues in my life. I'm not special and I don't have a more stressful life than other people. We are all going through life encountering major issues from time to time. No one gets through life unscathed. But how I handled some of the situations that have come in the last decade is what has been slowly killing me. 
It isn't because so-n-so hurt me or xyz situation happened with my career etc. It is because of how I wasn't able to process and accept certain things that happened. Most of my life I was known as the patient person who persevered and handled major stresses very well. Until things affected my children.
The truth is, I set myself up for this disaster so I'm writing this candidly in case this helps someone to not repeat this mistake. I say I set myself up because I knew from a very young age how strong I was. I got through all kinds of physical and emotional abuse before I was even 10 years old. There is a place of strength inside of me that I found at 5 years old when I was being literally kicked around in the ribs. No matter what I had to encounter, I felt I could handle it because nothing I could face as a strong teen or adult could compare to the abuses I faced as a helpless child. I thank Allah for that strength because the fact is, there is no power or might except with Allah. If we have any strength, He gave it to us. In addition to that, I drew strength from the stories of struggles my parents and other family endured just as most people do.
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| This is my artwork depicting a lady in tune with her natural state. |
I depended on this strength to get a B.S. in Finance and Masters in Accounting in spite of having a failed marriage very young and having three children along the way. I always told myself I could handle anything, except this one thing. I couldn't handle anything happening to my children.
I made three major mistakes in this.
1. First of all, we can tolerate what ever our Lord Allah places on our shoulders because He already told us that He won't test us more than we can bear.
If we take this kind of stance on certain things, we may be tested in that very thing that you said you couldn't handle. Allah has promised us that He will try us with different things such as poverty, our lives, health etc. So the best mindset is to be prepared every day to be tested in the very things we hold dear.
2.Second, we must always strive to prioritize our life so that nothing and no one comes close to the love and status of our Creator.
We can accidentally do this by giving importance or love to something too much. Love can be like an open fire hydrant. Loving someone like that hurts you by expending you and hurts the other because seriously, who can drink from a fire hydrant? Yes, our love for our children can be out of balance. Literally anything in your life can become out of balance. I know I've hurt my children with my fierce love for them. I was afraid of so many things that could go wrong that I raised them with fearful projections. That is unhealthy for both parties and only creates resentment from your children even though you intended the very best.
3. Third of all, we have to accept the outcomes, the Qadr of Allah, good and bad.
Some of them are simply written in our destiny and other issues relate to people making choices that may be against what you want. You have to humble your desires or wishes for how life is idealized in your mind and accept it for what it is, as hard as that may be.
For me, I felt I couldn't handle my children being hurt, partly because I experienced an extremely hurtful childhood and knew the pains. Well, even though Allah knew that would be a tall order for me to swallow, He knew I could swallow it. But I refused! I would not accept it. Later, as my children grew older, I faced dealing with their own choices that hurt me. I just could not accept that my son would not do what I thought was best for him. I was so fierce about it he moved away. Although I know there is so much more to why he moved out that is unrelated to me, I take responsibility for that part of it.
As a result of my 3 major mistakes, I developed 3 diseases in my body.
As convenient as this number three may sound, believe me, it is not out of convenience. It truly happened this way for me. Along the way, from my unwillingness to swallow what life was giving me, I started having serious digestion issues. I was turning my stomach inside out because I just wouldn't accept what was on my plate. In November 2019, I had an endoscopy to check out my painful issues and there were no tumors. The next month, my son moved out. Six months after that, I was having surgery to remove 15 pre-malignant / pre-cancerous tumors. Yes, I grew a rare form of adenomas that become cancerous in 6 months. In the years prior to this, I was quite busy created the very harsh atmosphere in my body for this to happen.
I had a second surgery a few months after this one to remove another tumor that grew elsewhere in my body. Interesting enough it grew on my cervix making it painful to walk. While our very unhelpful western medicine will not accept this thought, we can literally grow tumors in places that are affected from painful emotions or stress. I think it is quite possible this new tumor grew in that exact place because it relates to my first born child who is the only one who I delivered naturally. I had no such tumor in that area before he moved out. So from the top to bottom of my body, I was refusing to let him go.
I realized, this is how a health conscious person can get cancer. Although I'm not pre-diabetic, I've developed an issue with my insulin resistance over the last ten years after I had to witness a different child of mine experience a painful experience. My hormones went out of balance which through off my insulin resistance. This lead to weight gain and an extremely difficult time losing weight despite working out and continuing a healthy diet. Over the years of added work and family stress and this insulin issue, I've become diagnosed with PCOS. Cysts are constantly growing on my ovaries. My doctor said I have all the symptoms of insulin resistance and PCOS. Untreated, most women with this develop diabetes.
This is how health conscious people get diabetes. I can pinpoint exactly what month and year of the onset of these symptoms. It was right after witnessing a painful incident with one of my young children. I would not accept it and could not process it.
At 42, I'm on the verge of having cancer and diabetes and battling PCOS.
Now I've been busy with trying to undo all the damage I've wreaked on my body through my in-acceptance. I've turned to the Quran to find healing words. If I could talk to myself 10 years ago, I would tell myself to adhere to what Allah tells us in surah Baqarah. This is my advice to anyone reading this and to myself which I am following as best as I can today. Had I had this mindset, instead of torturing myself with panic attacks, turning my insides out from fits of anguish and frustration, I would have had experienced peace and mercy on me from my Lord.
Quran: Baqarah 2:155Surely We will test you with a bit of fear and hunger, and loss in wealth and lives and fruits,-and give good tidings to the patient-who when a suffering visits them, say, "We certainly belong to Allah and to Him are we bound to return."-those are the ones upon whom there are blessings from their Lord, and mercy as well;-and those are the ones who are on the right path
I write candidly as a way of self-healing and shared healing. I pray that this reaches who it needed to and that we all become more mindful of how we set ourselves up for disasters and how we handle some of the challenges in life. Sometimes we simply get sick with the best mindset because we are being tried with our health. And that in itself is your test. But sometimes we are sick because we mishandled a different test. Do some reflection and no matter what it is handle what you have going forward with patience and prayer as Allah instructed us.
Quran: Baqarah 2:153
Oh you who believe, seek help through patience and prayer. Surely, Allah is with those who are patient.
May you be blessed with great health of spirit, heart, mind and body, Ameen.
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